|"Salivation & Salvation"
by Nikki Sue
I was running late one Sunday morning, with the sneaking suspicion that I had already missed my Sunday school class, a much needed day of repentance from the Saturday night before (sorry Dad). In my bargaining of good deeds that I might substitute in for missing class, I see a beacon, my salvation Krispy Kreme. I’ll just grab myself a dozen, okay three dozen of those warm glazed goodies, go home and watch the service on TV. The drive thru was the typical twelve-car line up, but patience is a virtue, so I braved my way on. The cars were moving along smoothly, until a punk faced “I have a beemer right away man” zipped in off the street, cutting in front of me in line. I of course nudged up trying my best to show him my car is bigger and I can use it, he didn’t even flinch. UH, surely he could see that if his car was a little taller, Big Bertha’s (my Tex’d-out SUV) cattle guard alone could take his little zippy car out? I will run you over dude! This surely was just an unseen mistake on his part. So I tapped my horn and politely gave the “did you attend kindergarten” look. He turned to me and with the sweetest smile, for a second I thought that I was getting back into my coveted place… Wrong! Mr. Zippy proudly rammed his “tall man finger” up at me!!! I, “huh, what,” well I showed him mine, that’s what! Fuming at the realization that there was nothing I could do, impotence set in (grandpa’s stash of Viagra would be nice about now,). I cursed Big Bertha and her non-intimidating beemer guard she had her shot and failed miserably. With my defeated heart and broken spirit I grabbed my cup of water from the night before and chugged it --- whoa, wait, that wasn’t, what the tall man… Noooooo – Yep… I drank my own pee! There was not a bathroom available the SATURDAY night before (slow on the gross glow – up until that morning I had refused to do that business out side, fear of poison ivy, ants, or bees on the bum). Knowing immediately what was about to go down, uhh… rather come up I opened my door - Mr. Zippy had to see this… wow… Is that corn!?! His blatant look of shock and horror told me I had just taught him what the BMW sales man failed to, no cuts! PUNK!!!!
With my sense of “Yeah I did” I got back into the car and giggled. I had to get it together it was my turn to order: Please give me two-dozen originals, a big bold coffee with cream and sugar, hold the water." The boy in the drive up window was a nut he just stood there staring at me… Then some how he registered his purpose and handed me one box. Stand…stare… “sir, my other dozen and a coffee" handed me the next box. Stand…stare… “sir, my coffee, “oh sorry miss, did you need cream?” “Yes, please”. Stand…stare… “sugar?” “Yesssss - Geeeeze!” Finally with a great sense of victory, I gently savor my greatly deserved glazed rings. Pulling out onto the street I get my first bite, they’re like cotton candy - it just melts. At the light I dig in the box and start on the next – YUM. Then feeling probed again I jerk my defensive head over and look up at the men in the truck beside me salivating like chained dogs! Mmm… they’re that good fellows – go get your own. I smile back as the driver frantically leans over the passenger to get a look, um… at my donuts? Wait something just isn’t right… I pull my rear view mirror over for a glance and think not too bad for Sunday, but these guys really should get out more… As I go to do the glaze brush of my shirt I see what the craze has been, my boob, the right one, has been giving a little peep show! Now I get it, I wonder if beeemer man got it, and oh my you bet donut boy got it?!? Bad shirt you had one small simple task… you and Bertha are in cohoots failures!!! Completely defeated, I tuck myself back in and head home with a very red face. Asking God why today?
Moving on everything registered and in all my humble being I found my answers.
I don’t like BMW’s or they’re pompass owners.
I have two tall men ready at will”.
I am now more fearful of pee than poison ivy, ants or bees.
Corn is a mystery but can always be counted on to rise for the occasion. The drive up boy at Krispy Kreme now truly loves his job.
Truckers are boobs.
Church isn’t the only place to learn from God…
Black SUV, cattle (beemer) guard…
Stylish shirt – misses – size: small.
Nikki Sue is a creative force unlike any other I have encountered. She creates out of thin air and doesn’t really have a preference with what she is creating. As an artist she’s equally comfortable with a paint brush or a crayon or a ham hock & a broomstick. I have somehow managed to talk her into doing most of the new mofo covers as well as writing this. She has somehow finagled her proudest achievements to help her in doing so. 6 year old Carter & 4 year old Claire. check out the “photos” page.