"Doggie Style"

Bruiser wants Java. He wants her bad -- you can tell by his eyes that're big as car tires. He pants, he groans, he darts around the house in a frenzy. Plus, there's this little pink poker sticking out between his legs.

ALLLLL last night he kept mounting Java. On the side, on the head ... sometimes from behind. After a while, I actually quit working on a project to take them out for a walk in hopes of running the horney out of him. It didn't work. By bedtime, I gave up yelling at him to leave her alone. After all, she did ask for it, lookin' all sexy and furry with her long, wet tongue sticking out. He knows a good piece of ass when he sees one.

Then, this morning, the humpfest continued.

Disgusted I went into the shower to get ready for work. Then, I heard Bruiser crying. I got out of shower, and ran into the living room. He was standing next to Java. "What's wrong, little man?"

"Little" is no longer an accurate adjective for dear ole' Bruiser. He's made the male pug population quite proud.

He looked up and moved toward me, about an inch. Then Java moved an inch. Bruiser stepped back, then Java stepped back. Bruiser leaned right, and Java leaned right. Their contagion went along for a few moments until I realized -- they HAD to move together.

Those canines were stuck together like a tongue on a frozen flag pole.

"Shit, what do I do?!!" I asked Squishy.
She turned her head in disgust.

I looked at my pups. Was Java smiling? Yes, yes! She was. Oh my gosh, she was SMILING. Dominatrix. Masochist. Tramp. We were going to have a long talk when this was over.

Panicked, I alled the vet. "Umm, this is gross, I know, but my dogs are attached -- it appears that the male tried to hump the female ... and got it ... uh, .... well,... it's stuck." "Are they in heat?" "The female is." "Yep, they'll try to mate then." "Do I pull them apart?" I was sweating. Worried. A bit disgusted. A bit intrigued. "NO! You could severely hurt their genitalia!" Gross. Genitalia. "Well, I think that he tried to hump her in the booty," I cried out, embarrassed. Not that there's ANYTHING wrong with gay tendencies. "That's impossible. They can't do that." "Are you sure? They're butt to butt right now. He's not over her from behind ... he's ... attached TO her ... from his pee-pee to her butt! Do you know what I mean? They are standing butt to butt." "Your male dog turned around, then." "Okay, so what do I do? He's crying." "Well, it hurts." "But I don't pull them apart?" "NO!!! You could hurt his genitalia." UHHHHHH! I don't want to think about my dog's genitalia.

But after what came next, I wish all I had to do was THINK about my dog's genitalia.

"What you have to do," said the vet, "is get some ice and put it on the male's area." "You want me to put ice on my dog's dick? I'm not giving him foreplay!!!!!!!!!!!" "It will help with the pain." "Put ice on his -- dick? I don't even do that for my HUSBAND!" "Yes, you have too." "This was NEVER on the SPCA adoption application," I yelled into the phone, " I can assure you that!" So, I did it. I grabbed a dish towel and filled it with ice. NOTE TO SELF: BURN DISHTOWEL. I held onto Bruiser, talked calmly, and placed the ice on the little area of penis that was not ... inside.

The three of us hung out there, me naked, dripping wet from my shower, Bruiser -- really really REALLY earning his name right about then, and Java, that goofy smile looking back. I'm telling you, she LIKED It.

"How long do I have to do this?" I called into the phone. "Until he decides to let go." "You mean he has a choice?!" I think she laughed. I don't know. I was getting a cramp. I pet Bruiser's back telling him it was okay. I didn't say a word to Java. I've lost respect for her now. Finally, Bruiser pulled out. And pulled. And pulled. I'm telling you, that thing is like 10 feet long. With a whimper, he ran off into another room.

I thanked the vet and hung up. I found Bruiser in the closet, licking that penis like it was a lollypop. Java sauntered around the house, smiling, sighing, and, I think -- but maybe I was just crazy with worry -- humming a little ditty.

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