"The Adventures of Swim Boy"
By Kenneth Craig

One night about 3 years ago, back when I was drinkin' (to put it mildly...I would go thru a fifth of Jack Daniels just to get started, and I'm a small guy), me and my current singer, Roger and an ex drummer-fuck head, were playing an acoustic gig down

on Ft. Mizzery Beach (FT. Myers , Fla.). It was the third set and a percussion group (bohemian's if you ask me, nobody in the group had showered in weeks...not even any pachtouli) wanted to set in with us. I saw this as an excellent chance to sneak off to a bar a few feet away and get started on some serious drinkin'! I mean shit faced, who the fuck am I, where are my pants and key's, let alone my car, on my face drunk!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the way I was back in the day, really fuckin' stupid!!!

Anywho, that's the last thing I remember until the next morning. It's still really fuzzy, but what I do remember is waking very fuzzy, still drunk (hang over not even kicked in yet) With something jabbing me in the ribs! I slowly, really slowly as not to throw up, raised my head to see what was waking me up. There was a Ft. Myers Beach Police officer jabbing me with his night stick, repeating "naked boy, swim boy, wake up... wake up!!!" Also standing around were his partner and a crowd of about 25 or 30 people looking on! It was about 9am , the sun was burning down (it was summer) and I started to make sense of what he was saying...... "naked boy, swim boy...", when I had a starteling revelation, I was completely Freakin' Naked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started to get a grasp on the situation..... bad...bad....bad! I had all my clothes, soaking wet, balled up as a pillow, sleeping at the entrance of a public men's room. It was locked, of course, as the beach was just starting to fill with people. Actually someone had unlocked a few minutes earlier, and a few people had stepped over me then called the cops! Why the fuck didn't some asshole wake me up without calling the cops!!

Thinking back, if I saw me laying there naked, I wouldn't have gotten within 10 feet of me (120 lbs. soakin wet, naked!). I got up, talked to the officer for a moment until he stopped me and asked me one more time to get dressed. Still in a daze, having no idea what happened, I got dressed into wet clothes and started to ask the officer if I had really just been laying there naked for the whole beach to laugh at (obviously still very intoxicated and confused), he just snickered and answered "yup". They ran my license, checking for warrants, and luckily I didn't have any that week!! In the time it took to do this I came to enough to become incredibly embarrassed, and asked the other officer if they would give me a ride home. "Not a fuckin' chance" he replied sarcasticly, " here's some change Swim Boy, the pay phone is over there."

I called my apartment, which I shared with my girlfriend at the time and her roommate. The roommate answered and explained that my girlfriend had come home extremely drunk and she could not wake her. I asked if she would come pick me up before the officer's changed thier mind's and arrested me! She did. My girlfriend being too drunk to wake up was a blessing in disguise. She was worried I would be mad about her coming home drunk and I didn't have to explain much about what had happened to me! Until about a week later, my manager at the time caught wind of this and called the local radio station where he knew a DJ. The DJ felt it his duty to let his listeners hear of my experience. Then live, on air; the DJ called my place pretending to be the Ft. Mizzery Beach Police. "We have changed our minds and need to come take Kenneth Craig down to the police station for his indecent exposure incident". What a stroke of luck, my girlfriend answered.....whoooopie!!!

The fun was jut about to start!!! Fuckin' asshole's!

The moral to my little tale is that drinkin' like a viking usually comes with serious repercusions! I still to this day have no idea what happened between the hour's of sneaking away from the gig and waking to the pig's!!!! That is definitely the worst part of all!!!!

Kenny Craig is the alpa omega Honky Mofo. A beautiful cat who loves to rock out. A lifetime homey of the original Honky. If you like guitars, Go checkout his band Cinder and buy their latest release (produced by Scott Weiland & Jay Baumgardner, mixed by Andy Wallace). They have a promising career ahead of them no matter how bad Jordan Schur and his gang of ass kissers try to screw things up.

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